someone get that fucking seahorse.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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