whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
