bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What a dumb baby whore.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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