I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
