and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize