ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
