2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize