Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
two words...techno handjob
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
