I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
