The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
