yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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