did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
