the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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