You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
