we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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