2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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