I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
