that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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