My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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