You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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