I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
