I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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