so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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