just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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