My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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