Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
