Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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