Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
