look no pants
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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