so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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