OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
