i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
