Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize