thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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