Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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