i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
