yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
