You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
