The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
