she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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