I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize