Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
