just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
