When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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