Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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