You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
