I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
