You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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