Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize