final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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