She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
