did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
