I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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