i need an iv and a liver transplant
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
