Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
