I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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