Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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