he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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