Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
